Rants from 2004

December 2004/January 2005

You know people who wear their sunglasses resting above their eyebrows on their forehead? As if they have a second set of eyes in their forehead they must protect. They suck.

November 2004

Well, I’m having a hard time working up the energy to really let it all hang out after the election. Despite feeling sad, pathetic, impotent, and rejected, I’m sure I can stir up some sort of rant in the near future.

However, while I’m working on an election rant, let me share with you my feelings about car drivers turning across crosswalks:

Could you look both ways and refrain from running me over while you’re trying to beat the truck plunging down the road? It’s really not so much to ask. I do have a walk sign, and
it’s raining, and you’re inside your lovely oversized SUV. Someday, I’m going to smack you on the hood, I swear. And then it’s on!

October 2004: It’s time to play political roulette (with an Oregon bias)

Somehow the Rant section seemed the best for my various election preferences. Do note the source (me), and take these with a grain of salt.

Before we get to my opinions, here are some places for real information:

Oregon Votes, the best place for official information on voting in Oregon

Willamette Week endorsements, the links to the actual endorsements at the bottom
of this article

Portland City Club endorsements and background reports, although I don’t always
agree with their conclusions, I do appreciate the information

Portland’s best news source, Portland Communique, more interesting thoughts on Portland and have patience with the new layout. Endorsements are running down the right column

Okay, now that we’ve gotten some real sources out of the way… Uh, I haven’t sucked it up and registered as a Democrat.

But on the federal and state elections, I’m voting that way ’cause of the whole common good thing and caring for those who are unable to care for themselves (old people, sick people, kids; really, all of us at some point or another). Democrats are not so impressive on this concept, but they’re a skosh closer than the Republicans

Oregon politics are far more confusing.

State Ballot Measures – when in doubt, vote no!

31: No Dead People On the Ballot – yeah, even though constitutional
amendments make me nervous, I suppose this makes sense.

32: Mobile Homes Really Don’t Move – yeah, once again,
a constitutional amendment, but I suppose this also makes sense.

33: 6 Pounds of Pot for Sick People – dude, this is one
long ballot measure. Phew. Double dude, six pounds of pot is a shitload
of pot. Uh. Huh. I dunno.

34: State Forest to the Rescue – is there a problem in
how state forests are being managed? Yeah, probably so. Does this
measure make it better? Uh oh, dunno again.

35: Stop Suing the Doctors – medical malpractice insurance
is out of control and health care costs are way too high. But limiting
how much we can sue doctors doesn’t directly fix either of these
things. So, even though I signed a petition for this ballot measure
in a moment of weakness, nope.

36: Let’s Enshrine Hate in Our State Constitution
– can you guess how I feel about this measure? The ideal Protestant
Christian marriage is ending, and people are scared. But this is
NOT how to take care of our children and celebrate loving relationships.
Only a few generations back, Protestant Christian marriages viewed
the woman as property of the man. Phew, I’m glad I’m not fighting
against that in the Oregon Constitution. Vote No!

37: Gosh Darn’ It, I Wanna Do Whatever I Want– yeah, this rather
goes against the whole common good thing. My entire political life
has involved fighting against these ballot measures aimed at eliminating
taxes and property restrictions. Vote No!

38: Make the Workers Comp Insurance Problem Go Away – SAIF sux, but this isn’t going to fix the workers comp issues. Nope.

Multnomah County Ballot Measures

26-57 through 26-63: yeah, sure, clean up the County Charter. I’ll
vote yes.

26-64: Don’t Want to Pay Me Taxes –
Arr, matey, the taxes do suck, but they pay for good services that the state isn’t going to deliver. No shirkin’ yer duty. Vote No!

Portland City Council

Tom Potter for Mayor: like his style, better not embarass me like Derry Jackson.

Sam Adams for City Council: worked with the guy, I know he won’t embarass me and will get stuff done. You can visit Sam Adams’ website for more information.

Now, back to the normal business of ranting about
sillier stuff…

Should I even say who wrote this rant?

Hummers. Why does anyone living in Portland possibly need one? They
are way too large and equipped with extras that might make sense
in Iraq or the Florida Everglades (ignoring any environmental protections,
of course). The snorkel is a nice, oh so essential touch for Portland
driving. A hummer says, “I might run you over and never notice,
and if it’s doesn’t muss my nice paint job, I really don’t care.”

Still upset about lack of turn signals

I am still upset about people not using their turn signals. And
what’s up with people turning their signal on after they have already
begun their maneuver. Poor form. While I’m at it, I’d like cars
to stop trying to run me over while I’m crossing the road – at a
crosswalk, with the light. I will thump your hood as you
squish me!

The runners

What the hell is up with the people running in the middle of the
road?!? I mean, there IS a sidewalk, and although we do walk here
in Portland, there is almost always plenty of room on the sidewalk.
And unlike cars, walkers won’t kill you if you bump into them.
Do these runners somehow think their running is so intimidating,
so impressive, the cars will willingly cede the road to them? I
think not! As a frequent walker, I can assure you that cars are
dangerous, stupid beasts. Whereas runners in the road are just stupid.

The noise

I have a problem with commerce. Notably, commercial trucks on residential
streets prior to 8 am. I suppose I could make it slightly earlier
for main streets leading to grocery stores, but 6:30 am is too early.
Too early, dammit. And what’s with every apartment building
having its own trash and recycling collection company? Particularly
cruel at 6:30 am. Garrrrrrr! I shake my fist at your noise.

The failure of the future

Where are the flying cars? I was promised flying cars and all I
got was this stupid little phone. Tiny phones do not compensate
for flying cars. This sucks.


What is up with this loser? If he siphons votes away from the democratic
candidate simply because he wants to run, I’m going to jump up and
down in frustration. I’m all for third candidates and more interesting
debates during elections, but Nader just doesn’t do it for me. Dennis
Kucinich or Howard Dean are more interesting, if somewhat more mainstream,
and you don’t see them insisting they need to be on the ballot.
Arrr. Just makes me want to smack someone.

Turn Signals and Voting

You better use your turn signal and vote. I don’t care if you don’t
see the utility of either of these items. They are the bedrock that
our civilization rests upon, and if you keep failing at either of
these tasks, I will find you. Oh yes, I will. And then we will glue
your hand to the turn signal and paste your voter registration card
to your belly.


Neighborhoodies? For that matter, hoody. How did I miss this term?
Am I some sort of freak? Don’t they sound kind of dorky? This reminds
me of those hooded Mexican sweatshirts that were popular in middle
school and early high school. I got one and thought it was comfy
until I looked around and realized everyone had worn their Mexican
sweatshirt last year. They had a freakish slang term too, which
I cannot remember.

Dammit, I’d like my civil liberties back.

Where have the good old days
gone when the biggest free speech issue I fretted about was whether
Oregon should have stark naked people dancing as a freedom of expression?
Apparently, I can still fret about this particular subsection of
liberty, but I also get some bonus issues as well. The Man is in
fine form these days, sticking it to the people and taking names
on a regular basis. He’s got some lists going, he’s
reading your mail, admiring your literary taste, and apparently
deciding who’s being naughty and nice. And it’s hard
for me to decide which bureaucrat best embodies The Man, but with
so many good options I think The Man is retrenching himself in the
American government and not leaving anytime soon. I’m guessing
that he’s going to have moles all over the place and even
if GW isn’t reelected, The Man will keep on pushing for watching
our every little move. It’s enough to make me start streaking
as a political statement for freedom everywhere.

[*note, this was written prior to seeing School of Rock, which adds many dimensions to our discussion of the Man. Please watch and learn]